Next Saturday (May 5th) I leave for Africa. I'm traveling there as part of a delegation from the U.S. that will be attending a conference for emerging Christian leaders in Africa, put on by Amahoro-Africa. I'll be gone about 12 days. I've been preparing for this trip for the past four months (the reading list took me that long!) and haven't felt particularly anxious about it until last week. It's not the conference in Kampala, Uganda that has unnerved me. It's the "home visit" in Rwanda.

When I first heard about this trip, the home visit was one of the parts that appealed to me the most. Here's how I understood it: we would participate in a five day conference in Uganda, and then return home with one of the African participants and spend the weekend with them, seeing their context for ministry first-hand, attending church with them, etc. I liked the rhythmn of this--large group time followed by more intimate time, big picture discussions followed by immersion in one particular setting.

When we received an email with some options for our home visit, I picked a ministry in Rwanda as my top choice. My main reason for picking this was that it was one of the few that was led by a woman, and as one of the few ordained women on the trip, I thought I might be able to make a connection with the pastor.

Well, this trip has turned out to be much more than a home visit with a Christian leader like myself. It turns out a whole busload of us are going to Rwanda, and we're going to be visiting several ministries--one in the "red light district", one with orphans and widows, one with street children. In addition, we're also going to visit two genocide memorial sites, including, on our last day, one that the trip organizer described this way: "Take the bus to the Catholic Church genocide site (45 min drive) - this is the one with the bones and skulls still in the church."

Gulp.

I'm not proud to admit it, but there is something in me that recoils at the thought of visiting a church filled with bones and skulls. I know that the genocide in Rwanda happened--I don't need to deny it or ignore it. But this is a much, much closer confrontation with the evil of that event than I had really bargained for.

I've got one more week to prepare myself spiritually for this trip. Any and all advice (and support!) would be welcome.

"Two men looked out from the prison bars.
One saw only mud, the other saw stars."

I was crossing the foot bridge over Route 29 going to the Mall when I read these words. I was so taken by them that I copied them down on a scrap of paper. No author was given credit on this graffiti poem scrawled on the wall. It was so profound. It can’t have been written by the person brandishing the sharpie could it?

No, a Google search proved it to be written by Oscar Wilde. Well, maybe he was “crossing over” Route 29 at the time.

What I appreciated so much about the poem was the reminder that while I may not be in control of every aspect of my life, I am responsible for what I make of my life.

The Buddhist believe that one should embrace rather than deny the painful aspects of our lives by using each situation as an opportunity to feel your heart, to feel the wound, to touch the soft spot.

Brother David Steindl-Rast’ in his book Gratefulness, the heart of prayer teaches us that to find the gift in situations, we must be open for surprise which is the essence of hope.

His take on optimism and pessimism is interesting. He says that pessimism is preferable because optimism can be mistaken for hope, but that “hope happens when the bottom drops out of our pessimism” and “we have nowhere to fall but into the ultimate reality of God’s motherly caring.”

Brother David also regards the tension in our lives as important in living a life of fullness. He writes “only a heart familiar with death will appreciate the gift of life with so deep a feeling of joy.”

After taking the “Gratefulness” class with Jerry Goethe, I wrote a few poems that touched on these subjects. I would like to share one of them with you:

Tension

Tension is the line

     between joy and despair

     . . . too good and not good enough

          . . . fulfilled and overwhelmed

I live near the middle

     most of the time

     . . . pulling for one

          . . . pushing against the other

Sometimes I slide

     despair seems near

     . . . and I'm not good enough

          . . . and I'm overwhelmed

And life is hard

For some reason, I can't reproduce my poems without having them double spaced in this blog.  Since that takes up so much room, I only choose one poem to share.  If anyone is interested in others, please let me know and I will post another soon.

I want to recommend a book that I have just read. It is "Apostle Paul" by James Cannon. It is a novel about Paul the apostle. This is a historical novel. Much of the story is accurate with the authors own account of what may have been.  As we will be studying Pauls dramatic conversion on the Damascus road and how change can occur I think you would get a lot out of what Cannon has to say. The book brought out for me the importance of Paul and how he was the one who really spread Christianity throughout Europe. I was touched by the way Paul was continually attacked by the Jerusalem contingent of Peter and James. This book has helped me see Paul in a different light and if you have a 'problem' with Paul this may help. I would be glad to loan you my copy of the book. Charlie Powell

I want to recommend a book that I have just read. It is "Apostle Paul" by James Cannon. It is a novel about Paul the apostle. This is a historical novel. Much of the story is accurate with the authors own account of what may have been.  As we will be studying Pauls dramatic conversion on the Damascus road and how change can occur I think you would get a lot out of what Cannon has to say. The book brought out for me the importance of Paul and how he was the one who really spread Christianity throughout Europe. I was touched by the way Paul was continually attacked by the Jerusalem contingent of Peter and James. This book has helped me see Paul in a different light and if you have a 'problem' with Paul this may help. I would be glad to loan you my copy of the book. Charlie Powell

I've been meaning to post this incredible poem that Marsha wrote for her son's funeral on March 28th, 2007. The strength of faith that Marsha displayed that day was truly awe-inspiring. I post this with her permission.

Scott Just Forgot!

Scott forgot, but we must not!
We are not alone!
God abides in each of us.

Scott forgot, but we must not!
We are not without resources!
Reach out to God with absolute faith.

Scott forgot, but we must not!
There is an answer!
Call out to God in absolute knowing.

Scott forgot, but we must not!
Nothing can separate us from the love of God.
God loves us without end.

Scott forgot, but we must not!
We are God's beloved children no matter what!
Act upon that knowing.

When should you tell a friend that you think their great idea isn't such a great idea, and when should you keep your mouth shut?

A few years ago, I was in a lot of turmoil about a relationship. I knew, in my gut, that the relationship was not healthy for me or for my marriage, but I was having a really hard time disentagling myself. Then, one day, I had (what I thought was) a brilliant idea. I decided I could form a group which included me and some other minister friends (and of course the person who I was entangled with) for the purpose of discussing our vision of ministry, providing support for each other, etc. I tested out my idea on a couple of friends who all seemed somewhat reserved in their support of my plan, and then barrelled on ahead.

The group turned out to be great. But it was really stupid to include the person who I had such a conflicted relationship with. It didn't "resolve" any of my conflicts--it only dragged them out for about another year. When I finally realized the stupidity of my actions, I again shared my feelings with a close friend. She looked at my with great sympathy and said, "Yea, I really thought that was a bad idea when you first told me about it."

I thought about my friend's comment for weeks afterwards. Why hadn't she said anything to me at the time? If she had, would I have listened? Or, would I have been resentful of her lack of support for my brilliant idea? Which made me wonder--when I told her about my plan, was I really looking for feedback and advice? Or was I just looking for support, whether or not my decision made sense to her?

This episode came strongly to mind yesterday because a very good friend of mine called me with a great idea. And while I know I don't necessarily have good insight into her situation, her idea didn't seem that great to me. I told her so, and now I'm seriously wondering if I did the right thing.

Our congregation has, as part of its history and structure, the expectation that people need "accountability" in order to grow spiritually. This is part of the reason why we meet in small groups, sharing our intention to keep a series of spiritual disciplines and giving each other permission to ask us how it's going. There can be an ugly side to accountability--a "holier than thou" attitude by those who are examining others' commitment and hostility or defensiveness from those who are being held accountable. But there is also a great deal to be gained when you give someone permission to say to you, "Are you staying true to your intentions?"

Is that permission implied in a deep friendship?

A few months ago I spoke at a KC Spiritual Education Evening about global warming. I talked a little about my recent experience as member of a group of scientists who'd written a brief in support of a lawsuit by several states petitioning the EPA to regulate greenhouse gases as pollutants. Today the climate science community got some important news: the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that the EPA, in turning the petition did not adequately consider the relevant science. Writing for the majority, justice Stevens said:
"In short, EPA has offered no reasoned explanation for its refusal to decide whether greenhouse gases cause or contribute to climate change. Its action was therefore ìarbitrary, capricious, . . . or otherwise not in accordance with law."

If you'd like to read the decision, it's available at the Supreme Court website. Justices Roberts and Scalia wrote dissenting opinions, the vote was 5-4. While it would have been nice to get a few more votes, I think this is a victory for transparency in government. It will be very interesting to see how the EPA handles the ruling.